'Lesbian Vampire Killers' -- An 'A' Movie with a 'B' title

Like a lot of the movies I stumble across, "Lesbian Vampire Killers" took me totally by surprise. Here, I was expecting a terrible waste of two hours filled with bad acting, terrible plot, worse jokes and -- overall -- a movie that should never have been made.

Instead, I found a great movie! Wonderful acting, a brilliant screenplay, and best of all: this movie satired a genre in which all other satires have failed (in recent years). To simplify my take on the film, it is the funniest horror-comedy fusion since "Shaun of the Dead".

I know that this comparison will come as a shock to lovers of the British-born Pegg-Wright farce, but it is honestly as brilliant as "Shaun" -- which made the world reanalyze their view on dark/horror-comedies. Yet honestly, this film tickled me in a way that is hard to find from horror-comedies in the Post-Shaun Era.

As a footnote to my flattery for the film, it does have one very big mark against it... It's title.

Granted, "Lesbian Vampire Killers" sounds enticing, but doesn't offer much hope for the film being any good. In-fact, after the original release of the movie -- and the subsequent failure of its screenings -- the production company actually changed the name of the movie to simply: "Vampire Killers" (a less-enticing title, if you ask me).

This film had so much more to offer than just nipples, vampires and bad comedy (as has been seen in other vampire-movie satires). The screenplay had some of the best-written and funniest dialogue I have heard/seen in years. Yet, the title of the film -- the one line that will either kill the film or lure-in viewers -- was so poorly chosen that even I thought it would be a waste of my time.

Title-aside, now you know the truth about a movie you wouldn't dare to rent before reading this; and I beseech you to give it a view for yourself. As a day off movies goes, this one will not leave you disappointed.

Great Kids' Movie, Even for Grown-ups: 'City of Ember'

The main reason I was so excited to see this movie is because it was adapted from a bestselling series of books by Jeanne Duprau. The "Ember" series of novels premiered in 2003 with "City of Ember", the first in a series of four.

While I must admit that I've never read a single book in the series I did want to find out what the stories were all about. I've never been one to read book series', they just don't appeal to me. Even though I've read nearly every Stephen King book written, I have never read a single episode of his "Dark Tower" series. Still I hold a great curiosity for what other readers find appealing about series'.

My lousy reading-loyalty aside, my first foray into the world of Ember was a pleasant one -- albeit through film rather than ink. The plot of "Ember" was so detailed and well-crafted that it had me rethinking my own stubborn stance on reading book series'.

The film begins with a room full of scientists discussing the world's imminent demise (not a new concept, but well played all the same). Fast forward to several hundred years later and we find that the few remnants of humanity have gathered and built a city deep underground. As mankind struggles to survive in this post-apocalyptic world, the utmost danger comes not from insanity, mutants, nor any of the other antagonists that usually hinder the plots of post-apocalyptic stories. No, the danger to the City of Ember comes from the darkness -- that is, an inability to provide adequate light. The City is run by an ancient generator that provides all of the power for the subterranean city, and the generator is failing.

Not only does this movie provide an adventure that can suck in children of all ages, but it also offers a cast of characters that really make the film an instant classic. Bill Murray definitely gave one of the finest performances of the film, playing the City's Mayor who is curiously overweight for a city with a dwindling food supply.

As for a day off movie, this one makes for a perfect day off. Throw on some pajamas, get together all your snacks and set your lazy butt on the couch for a great visual adventure. Best part is: you can even let the kids have a day off for this one.

'Knife Edge' : A Waste of a Day Off

I can't say that I had high hopes for this movie, being that it was written and directed by Anthony Hickbox (the slumlord of films who gave us 'Waxwork', 'Hellraiser III', and 'Warlock: Armageddon'); still, I didn't think it would be a complete waste of time. I have never been so wrong...

I don't quite know how a movie with an exquisite premise and wonderful cinematographer can turn out so unbearably bad... Actually, I think I do know. The lead actress (Natalie Press, as Emma) delivers one of the worst performances by a leading lady I have ever seen! Her half-assed acting gives the movie a bland feel to it -- and she is the main character!

What pains me most about this film, is that it had so much potential. The storyline was chock full of mystery, debauchery, double-crossing and everything else that makes for a good and classic mystery. Apparently though, when the film crew began to roll, no one could wrangle-in the loose ends.

Natalie Press isn't solely to blame for the films faults though. A lot of the blame goes to the film's editor (whose name is mysteriously absent from the credits). The editing job on this movies is so god-awful that in a few scenes, the characters lines are cut-off before they finish speaking. It almost seems like the studio who produced this piece of refuse knew what a terrible monster they had been a part of creating and gave only a limited amount of time for editing -- not wanting to waste any more money.

All in all, this movie was a great disappointment to me. Especially with so much potential. My advice to you day-offers, is to stray away from this movie and not waste the same amount of life as I already have. If you feel like you want to waste your time, waste it with one of Hickbox's other garbage: like 'Warlock', 'Waxwork' or the innumerable other flops he has produced.

Movie Review: 'Forget Me Not'

Just out this week on Netflix, Redbox and Blockbuster kiosks is the horror movie: "Forget Me Not".
I had the wonderful opportunity to see this movie a few months back, before its official DVD release, and did not know what to expect from it. I hadn't heard a single word about the film, nor had I any inkling of what the plot and story entailed.

Going into this movie blindly was possibly the best thing I could have done, because it is now a new release in Redbox Machines and other DVD rental kiosks everywhere (an outlet for movies that offers little or no explanation of what the film is about or whether or not it will be a hit or a waste of time and money).

The movie started off much like any other in the vast ocean of horror movies: a girl running through the forest -- obviously being chased by something -- and we do not see what is chasing her. When the girl finally arrives at home, her parents find her at the front door and ask, "Honey, what happened." The only response from the girl is. "I don't remember."

Fast-forward to some years later where the girl -- as a seemingly well-adjusted high school hottie -- is still haunted by that night, even though she has no remembrance of the events. It was at this point that I was sure that the movie was going to follow the usual rehashed formula for mainstream horror movies and bore me to death. However, I was quite surprised to find that the film almost instantaneously strayed from the path I thought it would take and took on an almost 'Inception'-esque feel to it.

Immediately, the girl 'Sandy' (played by Carly Schroeder from the 'Lizzie McGuire' series) has her life turned upside-down when her friends begin to disappear. Those friends who have simply disappeared are not remembered by anyone else -- only by Sandy. As the movie progresses and more friends have been forgotten, the world around her begins to change as well -- people she knew as good and caring people are now suddenly abusive and cold-hearted.

I was on the edge of my seat as the film played out. Not because I wanted to know how it would end, but because I was afraid that this great plotline -- and even better movie -- would take a turn for the worse and ruin all the good it had done in the first hour. Thankfully, I was not to be disappointed. With a mediocre beginning and one of the strongest bodies I've seen in horror movies in some time, the film culminated with a very satisfying graceful ending.

Of all the movies I review, most of the good ones tend to be obscure and hard to find. That is why I am so happy to say that this movie is available to you at corner stores, grocery stores, gas stations, pharmacies, or anywhere else that has a rental kiosk...

Go rent this movie today and watch it on your day off... Like me, you will find that the writers, producers, director and actors have all done their part to make a great film.

A 90's Comedy Classic on the Big Screen

It is quite possibly the greatest event that the Valley has ever seen: Saturday, June 26th's screening of "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" at Madcap Theaters on Mill Ave is projected to be the strangest yet most original screening of a movie we all remember and love.

When DTMTBD first premiered in June of 1991, the film had a mediocre opening and was originally called a box-office failure. Thanks to word-of-mouth and loyal lovers of the movie, the film ended up grossing over 25 million dollars.

Now, on the 20th anniversary of its release, Madcap Theaters has planned an homage to the hilarious and lovable movie by showing the film in its original 35mm theatrical cut. The festivities don't end with a simple showing of the movie though. The entire day is dedicated to all of the greatest scenes. Not only will there be a live reenactment of the terrible 80's fashion show that appeared in the film, but there will also be Kenny's Waffle Eating Contest (paying tribute to the movie's hilarious scene of 'stoners' making hundreds of waffles).

This event will surely prove to be the best time you can have on a glorious Saturday in Tempe, and as for a good movie to watch on your day off: this one is the ultimate.


For more information visit the official website of Madcap Theaters:
http://www.madcaptheaters.com/

Movie Review: "The Presence"

Ugh! That's all I can some this movie up with. I really wanted this movie to be good. Not only because I love Mira Sorvino, but because the idea seemed intriguing to me. In the film, a nameless ghost follows a woman around her cabin, watching her. In the first ten minutes, I was sure this would be a good film, but I was proved wrong in the next ten minutes.

The movie begins slowly; concentrating on the beautiful scenery of a lone cabin on a large private island, the first half hour contains almost no speaking lines whatsoever. The woman staying in the cabin (Mira Sorvino) is a writer who is looking for solitude while she writes her newest book: a premise I can never get tired of. Only problem is that the beginning of the movie is just as boring as watching a writer write... Nothing happens, save a few supernatural occurrences caused by a ghost that the audience can see, but the characters cannot. Just when you think you can't take anymore of the snail's pace of the movie, the writer's boyfriend shows up to the cabin. This is when the movie takes a turn for the worse. The boyfriend is a whiny effeminate half-man who plays out more as the emotional woman of the relationship while (Sorvino) is strong and emotionless.

I have a feeling that the main goal in making this movie was to break the mold and switch roles for the normally helpless female and the normally strong and unfazed male, but it just didn't work.

I am sure this movie will do well on the Lifetime Channel, but it's a complete waste of time for your day off.

Movie Review: "Mother's Day"

When I got this movie, I could not watch it soon enough. Both my mother and myself have always loved to watch and joke about movies where the mother is a cold-blooded killer. "Serial Mom" and its many jocular moments have been a running joke in our family for years, so when I read the plot summary of "Mother's Day" I knew that this would quickly become another family favorite.

It certainly is now one of my favorites, though I don't think the rest of the family would agree. The movie begins with a group of adults celebrating a housewarming for a couple who recently lost their young son in a tragic accident. In the blink of an eye, the house is invaded by three criminals -- brothers -- who have just botched a robbery and are looking for their mother (the leader of their gang) to rectify the situation. What the brothers don't know: is that their mother had lost the house to foreclosure several months earlier. The brothers quickly subdue the party guests and finally get a call through to the mother to come for help.

What really shocked me about this movie, is that it took a route miles away from the more mainstream movies in the same vein... "Stepfather" sucked at the teat of popular thrillers and ended up being a terrible movie. "Mother's Day" -- however -- went to the extreme opposite and made itself an amazing movie. The scenes of violence put the "Saw" franchise to-shame. Several of the more gory and torturous scenes actually had me wondering if I could finish the movie.

The violence may have seemed over-the-top if it weren't for the incredibly strong plot and downright evil character of "Mother", played flawlessly by Rebecca De Mornay. In-fact, De Mornay's performance in this film may possibly be one of the finest of her career: chilling yet humorous, sadistic yet ethical, and motherly yet unconventional.

All-in-all... I would say that this is one of the best horror/thriller's I've seen in quite a while.

Definitely worth a watch on your day off.

Movie Review: "Detention"

Before I'd even watched this film, it intrigued me for several reasons: the main reason being that I couldn't believe I had never heard of it before. Even after finding out about the movie, it still took several months for me to find a copy of the film to view. The second bit of intrigue came from the fact that Zelda Williams -- daughter of Robin Williams -- 'starred' in the film, and I wanted to see if she could pass as 'attractive.'

Well, I learned a few things from this movie... First-off: even though the cast was made up of several fairly recognizable actors and actresses -- all of whom gave great performances -- and the plotline was original, the movie actually fell-flat. I cannot place why exactly this movies was so lackluster to me. Zelda Williams gave a wonderful performance and even looked very sexy as the troubled goth girl. In-truth: all of the cast were great in their roles. Unfortunately, it was that a very good premise and even-better cast were flatlined by a screenplay that seemed to not make sense. The movie hit a lull in the middle (where the most revealing details should have been held) and seemed to only focus on the disbelief by the characters that this was really happening. I am a stickler for type of thing, because I am watching a horror movie... I can believe it happened -- I was sure it would happen! Dwell on the disbelief for a moment or two, but don't make the entire inner-flesh of the story about characters' surprise at the occurrence of paranormal killings!

All-in-all: given the unrefined script and a fairly-awful editing job, I approve of this movie for a good day-off waste of time. The film was saved, only, by the wonderful characters and the actors portraying them.